Imagine being a small child, playing in your living room on what seemed like a regular day only to have your dad, high on heroin, break through your sliding glass doors with shattering glass flying through the room. But it does not end there, you and your younger sibling will proceed to root for your mother who is now chasing your father with a knife. Growing up this was a reality for my husband. Surrounded by drug addicted and emotionally stunted parents, he was not given the most stable start in life. Culturally he was encouraged to have a conflated machismo attitude and violence equaled masculinity. Born in 1976 and growing up in a period where spanking was mandatory, kids were seen and not heard, there are a lot of negative experiences my husband had growing up.
With so many opinions about child rearing, how do we know which parenting styles are the best? Well, it depends on who it is best for. Despite the different opinions of how you should raise your children, the most successful child is one who is raised by a caregiver who always puts them first. For parents, the authoritarian style of parenting where a child asserts complete control through either physical or emotional punishment is shown to create a compliant child. In the moment at least. Many children who are spanked have issues with emotional regulation, depression, and anxiety. Parents who choose to raise their children with a more authoritative style see many more positive differences and it is considered one of the most successful approaches to parenting (Berk). This parenting style can be exceedingly difficult for parents, especially those who did not have it modeled for them growing up. You must respect your child and although them to have the autonomy to express themselves rather than just expecting compliance and silence. Both styles of parenting have expectations for the child, however in only one of them is love and respect for the child put first over obedience.
So how did a man who used to run one of the largest gangs in his town, a previous occupant of Pelican Bay Prison and a self-proclaimed Native American sureño change the narrative for himself and future generations? When asked about his tumultuous childhood he quickly shrugs and says, “I had good grandparents and lots of other kids had it worse.” Personally, he is humble. The difficulty of changing the course of how you were raised and forging a new path without guidance or example is understated. Although he is right that his grandparents were kind and loving, there was a fraction of what he experienced. There were also kids who did have it worse but that does negate what he experienced.
With so many opinions about child rearing, how do we know which parenting styles are the best? Well, it depends on who it is best for. Despite the different opinions of how you should raise your children, the most successful child is one who is raised by a caregiver who always puts them first. For parents, the authoritarian style of parenting where a child asserts complete control through either physical or emotional punishment is shown to create a compliant child. In the moment at least. Many children who are spanked have issues with emotional regulation, depression, and anxiety. Parents who choose to raise their children with a more authoritative style see many more positive differences and it is considered one of the most successful approaches to parenting (Berk). This parenting style can be exceedingly difficult for parents, especially those who did not have it modeled for them growing up. You must respect your child and although them to have the autonomy to express themselves rather than just expecting compliance and silence. Both styles of parenting have expectations for the child, however in only one of them is love and respect for the child put first over obedience.
The study of children and their development has been a topic of conversation and research for decades. The amount of academic and amateur material on this subject is endless so it is understandable parents can get overwhelmed. Looking into educational material we can find more accurate and peer reviewed information. Developmental psychology books are filled with relevant information and echo the same sentiment, “Parents who choose to raise their children with a more authoritative style see many more positive differences and it is considered one of the most successful approaches to parenting” (Berk). We have seen study after study confirming this, why are some parents still on an unsuccessful path? Many choose not to face their own trauma instead of carrying the torch of pain for generations to come. I also believe some people do not want to face the fact that their parents did not try harder. It is natural for a child to love their parent unconditionally so when we feel that it is not reciprocated, the emotional effects can be devastating. I believe if we were led with unconditional love, despite what we have been taught by previous generations, we would see more parenting success.
Childrearing is fostering love in a growing human being so that they enter the world with confidence, respect for themselves and others, independence, and autonomy. This seems straightforward, but HOW a parent brings up their child can vary greatly. There are people who practice corporal punishment, passive parenting, gentle parenting, and authoritative parenting. The most common characteristic of each style is how they choose to “discipline” their child. Some people believe spanking, also known as corporal punishment, is one of the longest standing practices, and is still the best option. Others believe fostering more understanding and respect for a child’s emotions like gentle parenting benefits children the most. There are many who confuse gentle parenting and instead practice passive parenting which looks to give a child more freedom to express themselves, however, does not practice the respect and boundaries for others. Authoritative parenting emphasizes setting boundaries and structure while also allowing for open communication. People often raise their children in the same parenting style they were raised. However, more recently many younger generations are opting to get away from their parent’s style and carve out their own path. When they spill juice as a child, instead of being met with a swat to the hand, they choose to regulate their own emotions while instructing their child about cleaning up after accidents. Some parents are the permissive side and choose to just clean up the mess themselves without consequence. Childrearing can mean many things to different people, but for me it means fostering love in a growing human being so that they enter the world with confidence, respect for themselves and others, independence, and autonomy. Without this environment we can see that “Chaotic surroundings induce in children a sense of being hassled and feelings of powerlessness, which engender anxiety and low self-esteem” (Berk). Childrearing is not abuse, disrespect or cruelty. It is particularly challenging though, especially when you were raised with one style and trying to break cycles. I recently read an article that stated, “And when we ourselves have been brought up in the old paradigm based on fear, shame and separation, our bodies hold deep and painful memories that new knowledge alone cannot change very much. For us to be the parents we want to be and to meet our children the way they need and deserve, we cannot only focus outwards on the external family but must also focus inwards on our internal family of parts to heal and to connect” (Vincentz). Sometimes and most often you will feel like you are failing as we do when we are trying anything new. But when the benefits outweigh the risk, it is important to do more than just “try.” Many times, it is crawling tooth and nail to a finish line that changes direction and distance.
My unsuspecting husband sips his morning coffee unaware I have even made him the focus of my research paper. After 12 years of marriage and three children, my husband and I have had countless conversations about our childhoods and our own parenting, but I have always discovered there is something new to learn. There are things I already know that he confirms like his mom had the most negative impact on him growing up and how his grandparents had the most positive influence. I was shocked when I asked him why his mom’s impact was negative because I assumed it was her drug use or violence, but I watched him while he sat for a moment then answered, “she made us choose between people we love.” It is profound that considering the impact of violence and drug use in a household how much more hurtful it was to Matt that his mom made him pick where he could distribute love. Her addictions and impulse control had the obvious negative effects that I know my husband understands but it was shocking to hear that it was something else entirely that had a negative impact. Children grow up with such a generous ability to love, even those who hurt them, so it seems shocking any caregiver would want to limit how much their child could love others. Knowing how selfish his mom is, it makes sense she wanted it all to herself.
There are questions that I always do know the answer to. I think one of the more heartbreaking ones is when I ask my husband where he would be if he did not have his grandparents growing up. Without skipping a beat, he always says, “dead.” While his father was in and out of prison, on and off drugs, his mother’s encouragement for Matt to join gangs and do drugs as well it would make sense dead was the direction he was headed. His grandparents were always a lighthouse in a storm. When Matt dropped out of high school at 15, his grandpa was the first one to step in and help him make something of himself. Breaking concrete at 15 cents a block he worked all year learning everything he could. This of course was not able to keep him out of trouble, but it did teach him work ethics and give him a trade to support himself. Considering 30 years later he is a professional painter and multi-tradesman; it is easy to see what his grandpa taught served him well. But there were other important things Matt says his grandparents taught him. “They taught us manners. A lot of stuff. Especially about love” he says as he holds back tears, “Some people said they spoiled me. Maybe my parents had a tough time because I was a brat. They said that a lot.” Now this brings tears to my eyes because we truly underestimate the power we have as parents to affect our child’s self-esteem and self-worth. For a 48-year-old man to still believe it was his fault that his parents could not be more patience or loving is a tragedy.
As usual I can see my husband has reached his limit of talking about his childhood. I decided to conclude by allowing him to talk about his own journey into fatherhood. He instantly beams and says “I love being a dad. I wish I were a better one, but I am so proud of everything about them.” He shocked me by saying that it was upon meeting his stepson, my oldest, that he knew he wanted to be a good father. I assumed it was the birth of his first child, our daughter. He could see my oldest was going through a lot of turmoil with his own father which is when my husband knew he wanted to have a positive impact. I ask him if he sees his own self reflected in his children. He responds immediately, “yes, I see what I needed and then I know what they need. It is difficult always making sure I am responding the right way or making sure they have nothing to worry about. We finish off our last bit of coffee and I ask him “what’s the easiest thing about being a father?”
“Loving them”
I believe sometimes it is easy to forget when discussing child rearing and our opinions as adults, how the kids feel. We of course believe we know the right things and can identify when a child is sad or hurt but to really feel it is a completely different thing. I can debate all day whether my husband’s upbringing hurt or helped him into becoming the man he is today. The answer is it is both. And the person it hurt is not the 48-year-old man who I have watched build buildings from the ground up, laugh when telling the ridiculous stories of his parents or make parenting his own children look so easy. It was the little boy who experienced the hurt. His parents' behavior might have contributed to his ability to be a wonderful father now, but regardless, it was a child, not a man, made to feel small, inadequate, scared, and sad. I do not believe his parents were victims of their time or doing their best. They were selfish, and my husband is not. He is doing what every parent should do no matter what decade you were born in, the parenting class you took or books you read. He leads with love, always. I can think of no better way to summarize my husband and his journey than the Nitya Prikash quote “Do you understand the violence it took to become this gentle.... And the gentleness that comes, not from the absence of violence, but despite the abundance of it.” (Nitya 2024)
Works Cited
Berk, Laura E. “Chapter 7 Physical and Cognitive Development in Early Childhood.” Development Through the Lifespan, 7th ed., pp. 238–238.
“Generational Trauma: Breaking the Cycle of Adverse Childhood Experiences.” IU Health, iuhealth.org/thrive/generational-trauma-breaking-the-cycle-of-adverse-childhood-experiences. Accessed 8 Oct. 2024.
“Long-Term Effects of Child Abuse & Neglect: Positive Childhood Alliance NC.” Positive Childhood Alliance North Carolina, 16 Aug. 2024, www.preventchildabusenc.org/resource-hub/impact-of-child-abuse-neglect/. Accessed 1 Oct. 2024
“Nitya Prakash Quotes (Author of in the Name of Love, Rest in Peace).” Goodreads, Goodreads, www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/5095115.Nitya_Prakash#:~:text=Do%20you%20understand%20the%20violence%20it%20took%20to%20become%20this%20gentle%3F&text=Why%20should%20I%20apologize%20for,for%20making%20me%20this%20way. Accessed 18 Oct. 2024.
Vincentz, Anna. “The First Principle of New Danish Parenting: Children Always Make Sense.” Medium, Medium, 23 July 2023, medium.com/@annavincentz/the-first-principle-of-new-danish-parenting-children-always-make-sense-d74e02317cb4. Accessed 26 Sept. 2024
“What Is Gentle Parenting?” Cleveland Clinic, Cleveland Clinic, 5 Sept. 2024, health.clevelandclinic.org/what-is-gentle-parenting Accessed 25 Sept. 2024
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