Growing up there was nothing more exciting than having a family party. The loud Mexican music, the running around with a mob of cousins, the singing, the dancing, the endless food, and of course the never-ending entertainment of the drunken uncle. With his slurred words, staggered strut, ridiculous jokes, and his foolhardy confidence, a family party would not be a party without him. As funny and silly we all thought he was, there was always one person who did not appreciate his behavior, his wife. No matter how fun the night was going, it would always end with an argument between the drunken uncle and his wife. As a child, I could not for the life of me understand why she had to be such a buzzkill and ruin his fun, our fun. “Why does she have to be so mean,” I thought to myself. I was so young and naive. No longer the child I once was, I have found that I now understand the woman I once thought was so mean and angry. I understand now that her anger was justified. Growing up it is hard to fathom that someone has an alcohol abuse disorder. Drinking was just another way of having fun. The reality is that there is a fine line between “having fun” and needing to find help.
How does a person with alcohol use disorder affect the family? The home environment of families with alcohol abusers has common characteristics. Compared to non-alcoholic families, there are higher levels of conflict and lower levels of family cohesion. Long term alcohol abuse is predictive of negative parental behavior (Mahato). The profound impact alcohol use disorder has on families is often overlooked, especially the spouse who plays a key role in the coping and recovery process. From financial burden to psychosocial issues, and even domestic abuse, families experience a lot of traumas (Joseph). It is not easy to love someone with an alcohol use disorder, especially as a mother. Not only having to care for your children essentially alone, but also having to care for an addict. Unfortunately, alcoholism is never a one-person problem: Mental and emotional damage sustained from long-time abuse does not allow alcoholics to think rationally and respond appropriately to their family’s needs.
In the article Advances in Alcohol Treatment, by Robert B. Huebner, he discusses how decades of research have helped find effective ways to treat alcoholism. A combination of medications and behavioral therapy are commonly used forms of treatment. In 1935, Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) was founded in Akron, Ohio. A popular support group for addicts, AA developed a 12-step program that is based on turning one’s life over to a higher being. Applying the principles of AA, The Minnesota Model of Addiction treatment was created in 1950. This treatment was an individualized plan which included family involvement in an inpatient setting and participation in AA. Technological advancements have also provided treatment opportunities for those suffering from alcohol use disorder. Online support groups make it convenient for an alcohol abuser to get help from the comfort of their own home. There is no one way to go about receiving treatment, but with the number of resources available, there are many ways to help someone with alcohol use disorder.
AUD is an acronym for Alcohol Use Disorder. A person suffering from AUD is unable to control their drinking. They are both physically emotionally dependent on alcohol. Craving or having a strong urge to drink even when it harms you is one way to characterize someone who suffers from AUD (Kanani). Another way is they no longer enjoy activities they once used to. Drinking regularly in a social setting is known as social drinking. This is not that! Social drinking has become a past-time of sorts, but for those suffering from AUD, these types of gatherings could be dangerous. Not knowing their limits and having a high tolerance to alcohol, what might start off as a good time, could end in a night of destruction. Easily aggravated and always on the defense, these individuals will easily put themselves in risky situations. This type of personality change can lead to bad decisions such as physical altercations or worse, drunk driving. AUD can easily be mistaken as problematic drinking. A problematic drinker can exhibit some of the same qualities, but with one major difference. As opposed to someone with AUD, a problematic drinker is not dependent upon alcohol. There is still a stigma surrounding this type of disorder. Many view it as negative, calling these people drunks and blaming them for not having the strength or willpower to quit. In reference to his addiction problems, actor Robert Downey, Jr. was quoted as saying, “It’s like I have a shotgun in my mouth, and I’ve got my finger on the trigger, and I like the taste of gun metal.” Admitting to having a problem and wanting to change is not as easy as it seems. Although there is no cure for AUD, there are many resources and treatments for people suffering from this disease. With a combination of medication and therapy, AUD patients can find a way to navigate through life a bit better.
A study was conducted to explore the psychosocial and emotional challenges of wives with husbands suffering from Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD), sheds light on the transformative effects of support groups. In Kerala, India, thirty-six women participated in the study where they were asked in-depth questions about their experience. Sadly, all the participants in this study admitted to suffering emotional and verbal abuse from their husbands and over two-thirds of the women, admitted they had been physically abused. Pushed to their limits from their pain and suffering, all the women at one point or another contemplated leaving their husbands. Some even considered suicide to escape the pain. “Many nights, the thought of ending it all seemed like the only way out,” admitted one participant, “but the image of my children’s faces would flash before me. Who would look after my children if I commit suicide? That haunting question became my lifesaver. They needed me” (Joseph). It is an unfortunate reality that these women are faced with such a difficult decision to make. Stay in a toxic relationship for the sake of the children and preserving the family unit or leave and jeopardize your children’s happiness. Some might argue that staying will only further damage your children. Whether or not that is true would depend on the severity of the situation. As a mother, there’s nothing more important than your children and we all do our best to make the right choices for them even if one must endure more pain.
Friday night is pizza night at the Gonzalez household. After dinner, my husband and I put the kids to bed and started our interview. A bit hesitant, I could tell he was anxious about what I could possibly ask him. As the married couple we are, we have had many intimate conversations, but I must admit, even I was a bit nervous about his responses. With his phone in his hand per usual, he took a seat, and we began the process. As I asked the first question, “How has your addiction affected your role as a parent?”, he sighed and then continued to answer. “Just not being there for them. Not being able to help in the morning because I’m too tired or hungover, and not being able to control my anger towards them.” Fulvio began his relationship with alcohol at age 14. Growing up without a father and having been apart from his mother during part of his childhood made for some traumatic experiences early on. During his time in the Navy, that’s when he realized he had an alcohol abuse problem. He started showing up late and often hungover. Eventually, this led to more incidents involving alcohol. Ultimately, he was no longer allowed to serve. “I got fat,” he stated as I asked about his mental and physical health. “My memory is bad, I’m more anxious, more depressed, and I have no motivation.” His depression is one of the hardest parts of his journey and is the main reason he has not been able to stay sober. Although he has been to rehab multiple times and still returns to drinking, he insists that it has been the best treatment for him. He was once what you would call a gym rat and loved to work out. This also kept him away from the bottle, but ever since his arm injury, he no longer finds joy in working out. At this point in the interview, I could tell he was feeling anxious. He is not a man of many words, but I always find a way. I reassured him I was almost done and continued with the final questions. For many of us who may only drink socially, we get this feeling of joy, relaxation, euphoria. For Fulvio, however, it is quite different. “Sometimes I feel nothing, sometimes it calms my nerves, sometimes it helps my depression, and other times it makes it worse.” As I see my husband struggle everyday and see the effects his addiction has had on our family, I try to stay positive as he reassures me that all I can really do is be there for him and continue to be the loving and caring wife that I have been.
The effects of alcohol use disorder on families are profound. It can change the whole family dynamic as a shift in roles leaves wives taking on more responsibility. More responsibility can cause more stress. At times, even the children must deal with more responsibility. From having to care for younger siblings or helping mom more around the house, these types of changes affect their childhood and can even affect their future relationships. The negative impact experienced by the family is not to be taken lightly as both emotional and mental traumas are a reality for them. One thing I have learned throughout this process, is that not only does the individual affected by alcoholism need to reach out for help, but so does the family. Although there are still stigmas surrounding people with alcohol use disorder, there has been an increase in research leading to more resources to help alcoholics and their families. Support groups and family therapy can help these families deal with their suffering. As the wife of an alcoholic, I can tell you it is not an easy road to travel. I have seen firsthand just how much it affects the family. As my husband Fulvio continues his battle with alcoholism, I continue my battle with mental health. I battle for myself and for my children. With their best interest in mind, I keep my fighting spirit. Although many women feel powerless in this situation, I think of it as a great opportunity to regain power and turn lemons into lemonade.
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